Unblending in Internal Family Systems: A Guide to Understanding and Practicing Self-Leadership

One of the core concepts in Internal Family Systems (IFS) is the process of "unblending." This essential skill allows us to create space between our core Self and the various subpersonalities, or "parts," within us. By doing so, we can approach our internal world with greater clarity, curiosity, and compassion.

In this blog post, we'll explore what unblending is, why it matters, and how you can start practicing it in your own life to foster better self-leadership and emotional balance.

What Is Unblending in Internal Family Systems (IFS)?

In IFS, we view the mind as composed of different parts, each with its own thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. These parts often develop as protective mechanisms in response to life experiences, and they can "blend" with us, taking over our emotions and actions. When this happens, we lose access to our core Self, the calm, compassionate, and curious state that is central to the IFS model.

Unblending is the process of recognizing when a part is active and creating enough space between that part and your core Self so that you can respond to it, rather than being taken over by it. When we unblend, we regain control of our thoughts and emotions, allowing us to make decisions from a place of clarity and self-awareness.

Why Is Unblending Important?

When we are blended with a part, we often see the world through that part’s lens, which can distort our perspective. For example, an anxious part might make us believe that we are in immediate danger, even when no real threat exists. An angry part might convince us that someone has wronged us, leading us to react defensively.

In contrast, when we are unblended, we can approach these parts with empathy and curiosity. This gives us the ability to view situations more holistically, leading to better decision-making and emotional regulation. Unblending is also essential for self-leadership, as it allows our Self—the part of us that is calm, confident, and compassionate—to take the lead, rather than letting our parts control the show.

How to Practice Unblending

The process of unblending in Internal Family Systems can be broken down into a few simple steps. The goal is to cultivate self-awareness, create space between your Self and your parts, and allow more Self-energy to emerge. Let’s walk through the process:

1. Pause and Notice How You Feel

The first step to unblending is recognizing when you might be blended with a part. This often begins with simply noticing how you feel in any given moment. Close your eyes, take a few breaths, and ask yourself, “How do I feel right now?” You might notice emotions like anxiety, anger, or sadness, or physical sensations like tension in your body.

2. Get Curious

Once you've identified how you're feeling, the next step is to activate your curiosity. Ask yourself, “Is this the entirety of me, or could I be blended with a part?” For example, if you’re feeling anxious, you can get curious and ask, “I wonder if this is an anxious part that has taken over?” Just by asking this question, you activate Self-awareness and begin to create a little bit of space between your core Self and the part that’s active.

3. Name the Part

One powerful tool for unblending is to change the way you speak about your emotions. Instead of saying, “I am anxious,” you can say, “A part of me feels anxious.” This simple language shift helps create separation between you (the Self) and the part that is carrying the anxiety. By acknowledging that it's only a part of you feeling this way, you empower your Self to observe the part without becoming overwhelmed by it.

4. Strengthen Self-Energy

As you begin to unblend, you may notice that emotions like calm, curiosity, and compassion start to arise within you. These are signs that your Self is becoming more present. Allow yourself to stay in this space of Self-energy as much as possible. In this state, you can engage with your parts from a place of understanding, rather than trying to push them away or control them.

5. Engage with Your Parts

Once you've created some distance between your Self and the active part, you can begin to engage with that part from a place of compassion. Ask the part questions like, “What are you trying to protect me from?” or “What do you need from me right now?” This engagement helps the part feel seen and understood, which is often all it needs to relax and step back.

The Benefits of Practicing Unblending

Unblending is a powerful practice for anyone interested in cultivating self-leadership and emotional balance. When we are unblended, we:

• Respond with Clarity – We make decisions from a place of Self-energy, allowing us to see the big picture and act with wisdom.
• Improve Relationships – By unblending from our reactive parts, we can approach others with empathy and understanding, even in difficult situations.
• Enhance Self-Awareness – The practice of unblending helps us better understand our internal world and recognize the various parts at play in our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
• Increase Emotional Regulation – When we are not blended with reactive parts, we are better able to manage difficult emotions like anger, anxiety, and sadness.

Common Challenges with Unblending

Unblending is a practice, and like any practice, it takes time to develop. Here are a few challenges you might encounter and how to overcome them:

• Difficulty Recognizing Blending – It can be hard to notice when we are blended with a part, especially if we’ve been blended for a long time. A simple way to practice is by regularly checking in with yourself throughout the day. Ask, “How do I feel right now, and could this be a part?” The more you practice, the easier it will become to recognize blending when it happens.

• Feeling Overwhelmed by a Part – Sometimes, a part’s emotions can feel overwhelming, making it hard to unblend. In these moments, use language to create distance. Try saying, “A part of me is feeling this,” rather than identifying with the emotion. You can also engage in grounding practices, like deep breathing, to help calm your system.

• Impatience with the Process – Unblending doesn’t always happen quickly. It’s important to remember that this is a skill that gets stronger with time and practice. Be patient with yourself and trust that each small step is bringing you closer to greater self-awareness and leadership.

How to Continue Developing Your Unblending Practice

If you're committed to deepening your understanding of IFS and want to take your unblending practice further, I invite you to explore my Complete Self-Led IFS Program. This program is designed for individuals who want to take personal responsibility for their inner work and learn how to apply IFS on themselves. You can learn more about it here.

For therapists, coaches, and healers looking to integrate IFS with action-based techniques, I also offer a Self-Leadership Coaching Training. This program focuses on combining IFS with practical coaching tools to help clients achieve their goals while maintaining emotional balance. More information is available here.

Final Thoughts

Unblending is an essential skill in Internal Family Systems and a powerful tool for emotional regulation, self-awareness, and self-leadership. By practicing unblending regularly, you’ll not only gain greater insight into your own internal system but also learn to live more consistently from a place of calm, clarity, and compassion.

Whether you’re just starting out with IFS or looking to deepen your practice, remember that this process takes time, patience, and self-compassion. Each step you take toward unblending brings you closer to a more harmonious relationship with yourself and your parts.