What Are the Steps in IFS?

People asking this question usually mean one of two things. Sometimes they mean the steps of a single IFS session — the sequence you follow to get to know one part. And sometimes they mean the bigger picture: where do I start with this model, and what order do the skills come in? My name is Conor McMillen. I'm an IFS-trained life coach — trained by the IFS Institute in 2014 — and this page answers both, because you'll want both.

The short answer: the Six Fs

Within a session, IFS gives you a clear protocol called the Six Fs, developed as part of the model created by Dr. Richard Schwartz:

1. Find a part to engage with — I always say, work with the part that's on top, the one most alive for you right now.
2. Focus on it — notice where it shows up in your body, and give it the kind of attention you'd give a friend across a table.
3. Flesh it out — thoughts, feelings, images, sensations. You're gently painting the part.
4. Feel toward it — check how you feel toward the part. What you're looking for is calm, curious, and compassionate; anything else means another part is present.
5. Befriend it — real curiosity about its job, how old it is, what it would rather be doing.
6. Fear — learn what it's afraid would happen if it stopped doing its job, and validate what you hear.

I've written a full walkthrough of each step, with the exact questions I use: The Six Fs of IFS, explained step by step.

The bigger sequence: how the skills stack

The Six Fs is what happens inside a session. But there's also an order to learning the work itself, and in my teaching it goes like this — each layer resting on the one below it.

1. Unblending — creating a little space

Before any protocol can work, you need a little separation between you and whatever part is running the show. That's unblending: noticing "a part of me feels anxious" instead of being the anxiety. Even asking, from a place of curiosity, "huh — I wonder if I'm blended with an anxious part right now?" turns on self-energy. This is the foundational skill, and it's learnable: here's my full guide to unblending.

2. Finding trailheads — where the work starts

A trailhead is anything that leads inward to a part: a recurring thought, a feeling, a body sensation. Those are the three doorways, and you don't have to go hunting — daily life hands you trailheads constantly. The reaction that was bigger than the situation deserved? That's a trailhead. These seven questions are what I use once I've followed one.

3. The Six Fs — befriending your protectors

With some space and a trailhead, you run the protocol above — usually with a protector, since protectors are who you meet first. The real goal at this stage isn't fixing anything. It's building trust with the parts of you that work so hard, visit after visit. Trust is the currency of this entire model.

4. Polarizations — when parts pull against each other

Sooner or later you'll find two parts in a tug of war — stay or go, discipline or rebellion — with a lot of tension and very little movement. Working with a polarization builds on everything above: you unblend from both sides, then hear each one fully. It deserves its own explanation, so I wrote one: What are polarizations in IFS?

5. Exile work — only with permission

Underneath the protectors are exiles — young parts holding old pain. This is the deepest layer of the work, and there are two rules I hold firmly. You go there with your protectors' permission, not around them. And you go slowly — never faster than the slowest part. Exiles have often been waiting a long time just to be seen, and being witnessed from that calm, compassionate place is itself the healing. If this layer feels like a lot, that's a good instinct — it's also where working with a professional makes the most sense.

Where the 8 Cs fit in

You'll also hear about the 8 Cs of Self: calm, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, clarity, connectedness, and creativity. These aren't steps — they're qualities of Self, the you underneath all the parts, and they describe the state you bring to every step above. In practice I work with three: calm, curious, and compassionate. Eight is a lot to remember in the middle of a session; three is easy, and in my opinion they're the ones that matter most in the moment.

Practicing the steps on your own

All of this is learnable as self-therapy if you're generally stable and willing to go at your own pace. Meditation and journaling are the two natural containers — drop in, find what's alive, run the steps gently, write down what you meet. If you want the whole path laid out, start with the complete guide to self-led IFS, and when you're ready for structure, the Self-Led IFS Program walks you through every one of these steps day by day.

If you're a practitioner learning the model to use with clients, the sequence on this page is exactly how I teach it — it's the module structure of the IFS Education Intensive — On-Demand, from the map through the Six Fs, polarizations, and full exile work.

Common questions

Do I have to go in order?

The skills stack in order — unblending before protocols, protectors before exiles. But inside any given session, you follow your system, not a syllabus. You can sit down intending to work with one part and meet a different one entirely. That's not a detour; the part that shows up is the work.

How long does each step take?

There's no timeline, and I'd be cautious of anyone who gives you one. Some parts open up in one sitting; some protectors take months of visits to trust you, and that's not slow — that's the work working. The practice is the point, not the pace.

What's the very first step if I'm brand new?

Simply noticing that you have parts — that the critic, the procrastinator, and the one who's tired of both are not "you being a mess" but members of an internal family, each trying to help. From there, unblending is your first skill. My beginner's guide starts at exactly that spot.

All the best,
Conor McMillen

I am not affiliated with or endorsed by the IFS Institute. "IFS" and "Internal Family Systems" refer to the therapeutic model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. This page is educational and is not therapy or a replacement for therapy.