Index

Self to Self

Vol 10 No 2

One morning I woke up after a terrifying dream.  At breakfast I told my husband about it.  He showed concern and asked which part of me might be having scared feelings.  I said I had already had a little inner dialogue and realized that I’m having a difficult meeting at work this morning, which is scaring the part of me that’s a perfectionist.  In my inner dialogue I had talked with that part and reimagined a “good enough” meeting, taking only responsibility for doing my own best job.  My stomach relaxed, and I felt better.

When I got to work that day I discussed my scared part with my co-worker.  She said she had had some of the same fears.  So when we opened the business meeting we first discussed everyone’s fears and hopes for the meeting.  This relaxed our inner critics and fearful parts, and the following meeting went very well.

That afternoon I took my daughter to soccer practice.  I managed to pull the coach aside and clued him in that my daughter is very afraid of being goalie, with all those balls coming at her.  During practice he asked my daughter what would help her feel better about soccer.  She said she’d like not to be goalie any more, that it wasn’t a position she felt comfortable in.  The coach said he honored her scared part, that there were things that made him afraid too (he mentioned speaking in front of crowds) and that she didn’t need to push that part by being goalie.  He moved her to a different position.

The trend continued that evening, as  the news anchor people were analyzing  the president’s actions in Iraq. They  said  that he was showing bravery in some areas,  but  that he seemed weighted too heavily toward his macho side and wasn’t balancing it out with skill and knowledge.  They predicted  that if  he didn’t  find those parts of himself  Congress would be forced to cut off his funding until he could be a more complete leader.

That night  I went to sleep after journaling about the meeting, the soccer game, and some general unease I felt about an upcoming trip. I realized I had learned a lot about my own parts and those of other people that day.  I slept much more soundly than I had the night before. 

I wish that these events could have really happened.  I wish this was how the world worked right now, that people recognized parts, their own and others’, and acted accordingly.  As it is, I can only imagine what this will be like in an imaginary future.

This future, the one including general knowledge and skill with parts, is one  I’d like to further during my lifetime.

First, a bit of my background.  I discovered “parts” about 18 years ago in a Psychosynthesis class.  Roberto Assagioli, a psychiatrist who was a contemporary of Freud and Jung, invented this form of psychology which advocated synthesizing all different aspects of people, including their subpersonalities (as he called them) as well as body/mind/emotions/spirit.  I was immediately taken with the idea of parts.  It was exciting to me that I could have unconscious parts that had different feelings and needs.  Little did I know HOW different!  And how needy!

Since then I have studied many different ways to connect with parts, mine and those of clients and friends.  Much of my work has been done alone or with one or two peers.  I’ve found that much of the time I can find and heal my parts myself, through body-centered practices and with the help of what Assagioli called Higher Self, what  IFS calls Self.

I was very excited when I read about Internal Family Systems on the internet last summer.  This was one more step in the direction of finally understanding what this “parts” stuff was all about.  The concepts of Firefighter, Manager and Exile are helpful in seeing what is going on outside me as well as within me.  I also enjoyed the community that has formed around IFS.  It made me think that my fond wish for more global understanding of parts might be possible.

As I think about my goal of  promoting general understanding and skill around parts, I look at other movements that have educated lots of people.  One of my favorites is the 12 step movement, which I learned about in my  4 years as a member of Workaholics Anonymous. 12 steps have formed in many different addictions, educating and supporting people as they struggle to grow and change.  It seems to me that a peer support network would be helpful for people learning to work with their parts, people both in therapy and those who want to work more on their own.

I’ve written an outline that might perhaps be helpful to in forming such groups.  In 12 steps the steps are used in 2 ways; both as an over-arching process that newcomers go through in their own time (may take weeks or months or years), and as a review for people who have been around to check and see if they are still being true to the program.  I see these principles the same way.  People could go through them in their own time and they could re-check them periodically to see if they are still true to their goals.

PARTS AFFIRMATION GROUP

The goals: To offer acceptance and caring to all parts of all people.

                  To offer strength and hope through sharing our healing stories.

                  To support and demonstrate skills in dealing with inner parts.

The Nine Principles

These principles could be used as personal affirmations, beginning readings for groups,  principles to discuss 1 per week with examples, and goals for understanding, skill development and acceptance.

1. I have different parts of myself that I’m not always conscious of; I am connecting with and learning about these parts.
2. Each of my actions is carried out by some part of me with a positive intent and need.  I look for the needs and find ways to meet them.
3. Each of my  parts deserves to be heard, and I am learning to hear them all.
4. Each of my parts can be healed,  and  I am learning ways to heal them.
5. There are resources, including Self/ Higher Self/Higher Power/God, available to help and direct  the healing process.  I am learning to connect with these resources.
6. The culture around me sometimes distracts me from listening to my parts and their needs; I am learning to see and  resist these distractions.
7. Addictions and distractions aren’t helpful in giving my parts what they need, so I am learning to identfy my addictions and meet the needs in other ways.
8. I share my experience with others so they can learn to listen to and heal their parts.
9. I listen to and honor the parts of others, helping them meet their  needs when that is appropriate.

The fellowship is open to anyone who shares this goal and is willing to come and sit and be with others and their parts.  Just as in 12 steps, there will be those who want to also do therapy and those who prefer to find ways to work in a peer relationship instead.  All paths, like all parts, are welcome.

Ground rules in meetings:

• If people feel like they’re going to be flooded by a scared or angry part, they are encouraged to breathe and ask for more Self energy.    However, all parts are welcome at meetings, and each meeting will have a meeting chairperson who can remain in Self to respond to angry or scared parts.
• Participants share their stories of hope and reconnection with parts, as well as fears and problems they have with them.
• Participants also share their understanding about parts, what their own parts have done and what they were trying to do, so new people get a demonstration about how this “parts stuff” works.

I think it’s also important to stress that these aren’t therapy groups.  If people need to work extensively, directly with injured parts, they might seek a therapist or learn some self-therapy exercises.  These groups are for reporting on progress, asking for support, seeking guidance on how to deal with parts challenges in one’s daily life.  The in-depth, guided work would be saved for another format.

I’d be interested in hearing from others who would like to help form this project.  I trust that the process is unfolding and that interested others will feel moved to join.

I woke the next morning with a glad heart. I knew I still had parts with issues, but at least I had friends and family for support in working on them.  The world situation, too, was looking brighter this morning; I knew there were people with parts knowledge and skills ready to support change in the larger world arena.      I was ready to face my day, but first I had to check in with my parts and see what was going on inside.   That was my priority in this wonderful, challenging new world!

  Karen has studied Body-Centered Transformation, visualization, IFS and psychosynthesis.  She is writing a book on parts and self-healing in addition to hopefully starting a Parts Affirmation Group in the Minnesota area.  She also teaches at a brand new, online, project-based charter school (EdVisionsOff-Campus High School).